Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I seem to have left my pride at pride
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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