If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
