My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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