Plan B is the new Plan A
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
