I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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