I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Randomize
