Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
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We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
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Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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