He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
The Olympian is in my bed
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
