Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
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He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
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You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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