I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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