Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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