I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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