life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
