I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Randomize
