I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
