dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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