New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You left your underwear on the fireplace
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
