Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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