Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
