I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
