: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
