My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
