i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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