my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
