I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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