If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
