the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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