I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
