Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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