I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
