i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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