You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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