is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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