i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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