your room smells of hookers.
And success
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
