She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
