If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
