True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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