I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
this hospital has no fireball
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
