Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
