I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
