I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
