apparently the secret to your success is patron
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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