Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
