i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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