The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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