she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
