he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
