Already got asked if we're dating
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Randomize
