today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
