I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
