She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You were trust falling into bushes
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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