Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
