so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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