I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
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Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
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I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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