Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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