cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
