I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
