I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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