I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
