i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
