You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
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We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
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The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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