If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
